


Not Another F*cking Fairytale

by OIKAWAHAJIME13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Historical, Disney References, Fairy Tale Parody, Fairy Tale Retellings, Fluff and Humor, Irreverent Disney, Iwaizumi Hajime Is So Done, Iwaizumi Hajime Swears, M/M, Magic, Oikawa Tooru is a prince, Romance, Sarcasm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28241481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OIKAWAHAJIME13/pseuds/OIKAWAHAJIME13
Summary: Prince Tōru, future leader of the kingdom of Miyagi, rescues (not really) Iwaizumi Hajime from a ruffian and is instantly intrigued by the rogue.Iwaizumi just wants to go home.Not your typical fairytale love story.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 14
Kudos: 68
Collections: kagsivity's fic archive





	1. This Once Upon a Time Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> Iwaizumi is going to swear. A lot.

_ <<Narrator>>: Once upon a time, a long, long time ago… _

_ <<Iwa>>: It was six months ago. _

_ <<Narrator>>: Like I was saying, about six months ago, a prince was riding through his future kingdom, doing good and… _

_ <<Iwa>>: Thinking the sun shines out of his ass.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: Iwa-chan, will you please shut up and let me tell the story?  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Just fucking tell it like it happened. Don’t bullshit.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: Always so vulgar. Anyways, I was riding through the forest on a sunny Sunday afternoon about six months ago... _

The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and Prince Tōru was out for a morning ride on his white stallion, Blanco. A little on the nose as far as names go, but in his defense, Tōru had only been 8 years old when he had been gifted the great steed. He and Blanco often toured the Kingdom of Miyagi like any good future leader should do. 

Oikawa’s 18th birthday was coming up in 3 weeks and his mother, the queen, was throwing him a ball to celebrate. The ball would also officially mark the beginning of his courtship season wherein he had one year to find a suitable spouse. They would be married on his 19th birthday, as was the custom for first-born to be rulers in Miyagi. His mother had found his father this way and Tōru was excited to begin the search for his one True Love. Having grown up as an only child, Tōru was understandably lonely and he was hoping that his True Love would bring him eternal happiness and a partner he could be proud of. 

So here he was today, riding through the forest of Miyagi, outside the villages of Seijoh, trying to clear his mind. While he was looking forward to the ball, he was also under an immense amount of stress and sometimes he just needed a break from his responsibilities. 

A yell from the edge of the woods caught his attention. Spurning Blanco to move faster, he raced to rescue the helpless citizen from whatever danger they were in. Two men were wrestling on the ground—one trying to rip the backpack off of the other. 

Tōru jumped off Blanco and raced forward, pulling out his trusty sword and shouting, “I shall help you, poor villager.”

The man whose backpack was about to be ripped off his back looked up at the prince and said, “What the fuck, man? Put your sword away.” 

That statement made Tōru pause mid sprint because: 

A.) No one talked to him like that. He was the crown prince of Miyagi and no one dared to treat him with such a show of disrespect. 

B.) He was trying to be the savior and rescue the damsel-well whatever you call a handsome male damsel. 

C.) This stranger was quite handsome and looked quite fit. He shoulders definitely filled out that tunic well. But, it looked like a hedgehog had settled on top of his head and died. The dark locks on the mystery man looked coarse, but maybe would be considered cute if he wasn’t currently rolling around in the dirt.

Wasn’t that what princes were supposed to do—rescue people who need saving? 

“Seriously, asshole, put the sword away before you stab someone.” 

The man on the ground was swearing at him again. Forget handsome. What kind of uncouth miscreant was this person? 

“But I’m here to rescue you?” Oikawa said, dropping his sword to his side but not putting it away yet. 

The man delivered a swift kick to the abdomen of his attacker, throwing the attacker off of him and moved to stand up. 

“Does it look like I need your help?” The mystery man hauled the attacker to his feet and punched him square in the jaw. Tōru winced in sympathy because the mystery man had a deadly, right hook. 

“I mean, not really, but I’m here so what can I do to help?” Oikawa asked, finally putting his sword away because this mystery man seemed like he had a pretty good handle on the situation.

Mystery man pulled out a piece of rope from his bag and threw it at Tōru, “Tie him up.”

_ <<Narrator>>: So Prince Tōru successfully tied up the attacker on his first try. _

_ <<Iwa>>: Try again, Tōru.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: It took 20 minutes and a near-escape by the attacker before the mystery man took over and tied the attacker up in seconds.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Better.  _

Iwaizumi watched the royal  struggle with the basic task of tying up a man, obviously showing his utter lack of street smarts.

_ <<Narrator>>: I’m the one narrating here not you.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Your narrating sucks.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: Moving along. The ruffian is tied up and we find our two protagonists standing on the edge of the forest.  _

  
Tōru looked around, but didn’t see any guards to call to haul the ruffian away to the castle dungeon. 

“What are we going to do with him?” Tōru asked the mystery man. 

The man shrugged, grunting as he hefted his backpack on. “Leave him here. Someone will eventually see him.” 

Tōru was aghast. Leave a ruffian here? Where he could escape and hurt others? 

“Wait!” He called out as the mystery man started walking away. 

The man stops but doesn’t turn around. 

“I think we should really do something about him.” 

He could practically hear the mystery man roll his eyes. 

The man turned around and waved his fingers at Tōru, saying, “Why don’t you ride off and go find a nice guard to take him to the castle. I’m sure they’ll really care about some lowlife like him.” 

Oikawa frowned, “I can’t tell if you're being serious or—” 

“Oh my fucking gods. Do whatever you want. I’m leaving.”   
  


_ <<Iwa>>: And he left. End of story. _

_ <<Narrator>>: This was a massive waste of our reader’s time.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: *Smirks* Do you want to tell them what happened next? _

_ <<Narrator>>: Um, no. I’m still slightly traumatized by your barbaric behavior.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Then it’s my turn to narrate, asshole. _


	2. Tragic Backstory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi is lost in the woods.

_ <<Iwa>>: You’ve heard Shittykawa’s side- _

_ <<Narrator>>: How many times have I asked you not to call me that?  _

_ <<Iwa>>: It’s Shittykawa or Sir Prentitious Asshole, so, like, you decide. _

_ <<Narrator>>: Why are you like this?  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Back to our story, so all I am trying to do is make my way back home when ím attacked from behind… _

Iwaizumi heard the footsteps before a hand roughly grabbed his pack, trying to rip it off his shoulders. The asshole had gotten a 3 second drop on him which gave them the slightest advantage. A leg swept Iwaizumi’s out from under him, knocking him to the ground. 

Fucking hell. Today was just not his day. 

The asshole on top of him was still trying to grab at the pack, but Iwaizumi had his feet free and was just about to flip the thief off of him when he heard a yell. 

¨I shall help you, poor villager.”¨

Poor villager? Who the fuck talked like that? Iwaizumi was too distracted trying to get the thief off of him to notice what the other fool was doing. But then he heard a sword unsheathing. 

Looking up, he saw the fool flailing his sword around and shouted, “What the fuck, man? Put your sword away.” 

The absolute last thing he needed was to be killed by an idiot waving a sword around. 

“Seriously, asshole, put the sword away before you stab someone.” 

A slightly constipated look crossed the fool’s face—

_ <<Narrator>> Can you stop calling me a fool? _

_ <<Iwa>> No, because you looked absolutely stupid. _

_ <<Narrator>> So uncouth. _

_ <<Iwa>> Where were we... _

“But I’m here to rescue you?” The fool said, dropping his sword to his side but not putting it away yet. 

Iwaizumi delivered a swift kick to the abdomen of his attacker, throwing the attacker off of him and moved to stand up. 

“Does it look like I need your help?” 

Hauling the man up by the collar of his tunic, Iwaizumi popped him right in the nose for trying to attack him in broad daylight. The thief dropped like rock, clutching his nose and wailing. What a pussy. 

“I mean, not really, but I’m here so what can I do to help?” The fool asked, finally putting his sword away. 

This idiot wanted to help? Well, this should at least be entertaining. He opened his pack and threw the fool a piece of rope and with a challenge in his voice, he taunted, “Tie him up.”

Oh what a glorious view that was. The fool looked at the rope and then at the thief. Pointing to himself and then the thief as if he was confused as to what he actually needed to do. Iwaizumi just nodded and wiggled his fingers as if to say ´go do it.´

It was 20 minutes of pure entertainment before Iwaizumi finally stepped in to tie up the thief. The plan was to leave him there. Someone would be along shortly. 

“What are we going to do with him?” The idiot asked, looking around as if a castle guard would be waiting just around the bend. 

Iwaizumi shrugged, grunting as he hefted his backpack on. “Leave him here. Someone will eventually see him.” 

The fool was aghast, calling out, “wait” as Iwaizumi turned away.

Merlin fucking Wizard. All he wanted was to find his brother and go home. This fool was really starting to test his patience. 

“I think we should really do something about him,¨ the fool continued. 

Enough was really enough. Iwaizumi turned around and waved his fingers in a dismissive motion, saying, “Why don’t you ride off and go find a nice guard to take him to the castle. I’m sure they’ll really care about some lowlife like him.” 

The idiot actually frowned, “I can’t tell if you're being serious or—” 

“Oh my fucking gods. Do whatever you want. I’m leaving.” 

_ <<Narrator>>: he was actually going to leave me there.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: I had just been beaten up, was hangry and you were being stupid.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: I was trying to be responsible, Iwa-chan.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Shut up, Shittykawa, we are getting to my favorite part of our story.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: This still gives me nightmares.  _

Iwaizumi set off down the first path heading southeast. Hopefully, that’s the direction he needs to go. He’d been stuck in Miyagi for way too long looking for Keiji and he just wanted to go home. Problem was he wasn’t quite sure where Keiji was or why Bokuto hadn’t been the one to go save his brother. Somehow this was their fault, he just knew it. 

Not five minutes had passed before he heard the trotting of hooves behind him. 

While he was tempted to see how long the fool would follow him, he decided to nip this in the rosebud and send the fool on his merry way. 

“Why are you following me?” He yelled, looking up at the idiot.

The fool gave him a toothy smile from atop his horse. Iwaizumi had to admit that this fool was quite handsome with his perfect hair and his perfect face and his straight, white teeth. Some men just had all the luck in the looks department. 

“I told you I wanted to help you,” the fool pulled up beside him and dismounted with such a ridiculous flourish that he almost fell over. 

You can’t kill him. You can’t kill him. You can’t kill him. The fucking mantra was hardly working because this incompetent fool wasn’t leaving him alone. 

“I don’t need help.” 

“Well, you should know that the cliffs of certain doom are about 5 miles in the direction you are heading, so how about you tell me where you need to go and I’ll get you there *wink*.” 

“Did you just fucking say wink? You didn’t even wink, you just said it.” 

This fool was an absolute moron. Who the fuck just said wink and didn’t actually do it?

But...as loathe as he was to admit it, he did need help. 

The fool seems to realize that Iwaizumi is about to give in and rushed forward, nearly tripping over his own two feet. 

“My name is Tōru Oikawa and I am the prince of Miyagi.” 

Ohh...that explained a lot of the weird looks he’d been getting. The prince must not be used to someone telling him no or calling him names like asshole. 

“You’re the prince? And you’re out here riding around without a knight or someone to protect you?” Iwaizumi asked, clearly puzzled as to why the Prince would be out and about like this. 

The fool prince waved his hand back and forth, “Miyagi is the safest kingdom in the world. Nothing bad ever happens to the royal family members here.” 

Wow. Just saying those words seemed to be testing fate. And Iwaizumi wasn’t one to stick around when idiots tried to test fate. 

“Merlin, you can’t just say things like that. No place is completely safe.” 

_ <<Iwa>>: Insert my tragic backstory montage here. Parents died in a vague accident that we really don’t understand. I have a twin brother named Keiji. We were raised by three fairy godpeople in the forests of Osaka. Had a really crazy childhood. One of the fairy godpeople insulted a powerful wizard and my brother paid the price. Continuing on.  _

And he knew that Miyagi was not safe because his brother had been kidnapped by a crazy wizard who blamed one of his fairy godpeople for messing up their life. So now here he was, wandering through Miyagi trying to track down the wizard Tendou because fucking Bokuto had insulted a gift Tendou had given to the new princess of Tokyo. 

Iwaizumi and his twin brother, Keiji, had been rescued by a trio of fairy godpeople when they were three years old. No one knew what happened to their parents, just that the two boys had been found wandering alone in a field in Osaka. 

Fairy Godpeople Kuroo, Bokuto and Tsukki had adopted Hajime and Keiji, giving them an absolutely insane childhood that no child should ever have to endure but they came out unscathed for the most part. 

Then Keiji disappeared from his bed in the middle of the night last week. A note had been magically glued to Bokuto’s forehead the next morning reading: 

—

**To Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest,**

**I have the pretty one. Defeat me in a battle of wits**

**and you can have him back. Lose to me and he’s mine forever!**

**WAHAHAHAHA!**

**Love, Tendou**

——-

So here was Hajime, wandering the lands of Miyagi, hunting down the wizard Tendou to beat him in a battle of wits and get his brother back. 

And now the Prince of Miyagi was offering to help him get home. 

“Here’s the deal, Prince, I need to find Tendou,” Iwaizumi said.

_ <<Narrator>>: You should have told me about Keiji then. It would have saved us so much trouble.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: … moving on.  _

“Tendou? The wizard?” The prince asked. At Iwaizumi’s nod, Oikawa continued, “He lives up on Misty Mountain in the Shiratorizawa region. It’s about a two day journey from here. I could show you the way, if you’d like?” 

Iwaizumi resigned himself to the fact that he was probably going to have to take the fool prince up on his offer but he didn’t have to like it. 

“Fine,” he says, holding out his hand for the prince to shake, “I’m Iwaizumi.” 

Prince Tooru grabbed his hand but instead of shaking it, he bowed low and pressed a kiss to the backside of his glove. Merlin fucking wizard. This guy was ridiculous. Quickly pulling his hand back, Iwaizumi stated the obvious, “So I don’t have a horse. Am I going to need one?” 

Fool prince just smiled and patted the back of his saddle, “You can ride me—WITH me, with me, on Blanco. We can try to find you another horse at the next village.” 

Iwaizumi just rolled his eyes at the Prince’s slip. Iwaizumi Hajime was never going to ride Prince Tooru. 

_ <<Narrator>>: Well, that turned out to be a lie.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Shittykawa, we agreed to never discuss that if you want it to happen again.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: My lips are sealed *wink* _

_ <<Iwa>>: Quit fucking saying wink!! _

Iwaizumi ended up getting on the horse and off the two went. Although Iwaizumi hated to admit it, the prince was a damn good rider, getting them through the tricker part of the forest without issue. The only real issue was that the prince talked constantly. At one point, Iwaizumi asked him if he ever fucking took a breath and surprisingly, Prince Tooru was quite for about five minutes, wallowing in his offense. 

Just as the evening lights were starting to dawn, Iwaizumi suggested they stop for the night and find somewhere to build shelter. The prince whined incessantly about having to sleep in the woods when there was another village about 10 miles away but Iwaizumi stood firm in not traveling at night. 

To distract Prince Whiney Pants, Iwaizumi actually engaged him in conversation _ ,  _ “So what’s your special prince power?” 

“What do you mean?” The Prince replied looking cutely confused. 

“I mean like what’s your fucking superpower? All princes have one.” 

Like c’mon man. It is a well known fact that princes have magic.

“Well I can call animals here with my voice?” 

Hiding his grin at his good fortune, Iwaizumi said, “Sounds fake.” 

“It’s not fake. I’ll show you.

Prince Tōru proceed to sing a light melody, not noticing Iwaizumi pulling a bow from his bag.

A squirrel and a robin answered Tōru’s call, settling on a branch near his head. The smile he sent them was radiant and Iwaizumi almost felt bad for what he was about to do. 

Prince Tōru was about to reach out when an arrow zipped past his hand, skewering the rabbit to the tree. The robin shrieked and launched off the branch, continuing to screech. The prince looked horrified and ready to throw up. 

Iwaizumi, not one to miss an opportunity, slapped his back and said, “Thanks for dinner.”

_ <<Narrator>>: I was an accomplice to a murder. You murdered that rabbit in cold blood.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: It was the most delicious rabbit I’ve ever eaten.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: How did I fall for a murderer like you? _

_ <<Iwa>>: Honestly, after that trick, I’m surprised you even stayed the night there in the woods with me.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: Worst night of my life.  _

_ <<Iwa>>: Nah baby, that wasn’t the worst night of your life.  _

_ <<Narrator>>: That’s true. But now it’s my turn to tell how things went from camping in the woods to ‘oh my Merlin, we are going to die.’ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for checking out this atypical love story.  
> It will be updated every Tuesday.  
> Subscribe to get the latest updates and comment below with a Disney/Fairytale cliche you’d like to see our boys encounter.


End file.
